第三個變化 Third Change

Today, we observed the third round of our on-going saga of husband vs. wife match.

今天，我們又有了夫妻戰，第三輪。
 
The background of our fight was not important. But it was kitchen-scraps that caused the fight.

吵架的背景不是很重要，只能說是「廚餘」所引發的。

I was making dinner, and generated some kitchen-scrap. In Taiwan, kitchen-scraps must be placed into a different container in the trash collection area, and I find it a pain and annoyance to do so. It was not one of my favorite things to do.

當時，我正在煮飯，產生一些廚餘。在台灣，有專用容器在我們住的大樓回收廚餘。我覺得倒廚餘很煩，不是我喜愛做的事。

I found the mess in the kitchen annoying, so I asked my wife to take the kitchen-scrap to the trash area. She did not want to do so, because I had not finish making dinner, and if I generated more kitchen-scrap, she might need to go one more time. She obviously does not like to visit the trash area either.

我覺得廚房很亂，所以問我太太能不能幫我先下樓倒掉廚餘。當時她不想，因為我還沒煮完飯，可能會產生更多廚餘，所以她也許要再跑一 趟。她顯然也不喜歡倒廚餘。

She said something. Then I said something. She said something more. I raised my voice and said something more. This continued for a while, until I got angry and threw the sponge in the sink. At that point, we stopped. I said we are done arguing because I got angry. She took the trash out and I finished making dinner.

她說了一些話，我回她；她說更多，我更大聲的回，說比她多。這種情況持續了一段時間，直到我生氣了，把手上洗碗盤的海綿丟進水槽裡。那時，我們停下來，我說不可以吵了，因為我生氣了！最後，她去倒廚餘，我完成晚餐。

This might seem like a typical fight between couples. But what you did not see was the important aspect of the fight. Between the time we started the fight, and by the time that I threw the sponge, neither one of us had anger in our heart. We raised our voices not because we were angry. We raised our voices because we strengthened our will. I thought that I was right, and she thought that she was right, and neither of us were willing to back down. It was really a battle of will, more than fighting. When I threw down the sponge, I was angry, so we stopped.

這看起來像是一個典型的吵架。但您看不到的是：在吵架過程中，我們都沒有生氣。我們提高說話的聲音，不是因為生氣，而是去強化意志力。我認為我對，她認為她對，我們都不認輸。這是意志的戰鬥，不是吵架。當我丟下海綿時，我真的生氣了！所以停止戰鬥。

The anger that I expressed lasted about a second, and it was gone. Because I was able to immediately reflect on the fight, and made the observation that I just wrote. When she came back, I told her my observations and a few jokes later, it was like the fight never existed.

我的憤怒1秒內就不見了，因為我能夠立即反省剛寫的這個過程。我太太回來時，我告訴她自己的觀察，大笑幾聲後，這場吵架似乎從沒發生過。

Furthermore, she told me that when she was taking out the trash, she thought she should cry, because I yelled at her. But she told me that she could not cry because she didn't have sorrow within her. She did not cry because she could not think of a reason to cry.

此外，她告訴我，當她在倒廚餘時，覺得應該要哭，因為我對她大吼。但其實她並沒有哭，因為心裡沒有受傷。 她無法哭，因為她想不出需要哭的理由。（以前，她超愛哭的）

I think this is another measure of our progress on the Path.

我想，這應該是另一個進步的表示。

日記 Diary

Ever since I started the blog about a month and a half ago, I found that the process of think and writing has helped me with my understanding of myself and Buddha's teachings. (This was written late October.)

自從一個半月前開啟這個部落格，發現思考和寫作的過程幫助我了解自己，以及佛陀的教誨。(這是十月底寫的。)

In the first few weeks, there were so much information crammed in my brain, that it was actually a release to write them all down. But since I cannot just write random texts and hope to find an audience, I had to take all the information in my brain and categorize, analyze, digest, process and reunite them in order to present coherent articles. This process had help me solidified my understandings.

在一開始的幾個星期中，我的大腦有超多的知識，把它們寫下來，實際上是一個解脫。但我不能隨便亂寫，因為沒有人會懂我在寫什麼，所以我必須要把這些知識分類、分析、消化和組合，才能寫出一篇文章。這個過程幫助、鞏固了我對佛法的理解。

Now a days, the blog has evolved into a diary for me. I don't think about what I want to write every waking hours now. I just live my life and work on Practice. The ideas for articles only came to me when I have a new understanding or new experiences. Some of these came from reading, some from personal experiences and encounters and some are from thinking about what I already know.

今天，對我來說，這個部落格的文章已演變成為日記。我不會每一時、每一刻都有文章想要寫。只單純的過我的生活和修行。但當我從閱讀中、生活經驗或思考上有了一些新的認識或體會，我就會把它寫下來，成為一篇文章。

In Buddhist Texts, there are no stories of how people walk the path. All we read are people who have heard a particular teaching from Buddha and become happy, went home to Practice and become enlightened. We never get to learn about their trials and tribulations. It all seem so magical, so unapproachable.

在佛經裡，我不記得有讀過任何人修行經驗的文章，只讀過，「時，諸比丘聞佛所說，歡喜奉行。」或「時， 彼比丘聞佛所說，心大歡喜，禮佛而退，獨在靜處，精勤修習‧‧‧時，彼比丘即成羅漢，心得解脫。」我們都不知道他們的考驗和磨難，這一切都很神奇，難以接近。

From my articles, you might not know the details of the circumstances, but at least you will get a glimpse of the type of obstacles that I have encountered and my resolutions for them. These articles are all published in the order that they were conceived. So it will provide you with breadcrumbs that you can follow.

從我的文章，您可能不知道我面對障礙的細節，但當您看到文章時，表示我的障礙已處理過。這些文章都是按照順序發表的，若您每天閱讀，應該會讓您有在修行路上一關一關過的感覺。

Since we are all different, the specific obstacles and the timing will be different for all of us. But I think what we are trying to show is that reaching enlightenment does not have to be magic. It takes courage and will to advance one step at a time.

你我都不一樣，您面對的障礙和時機可能與我不同。但我們想要讓大家知道「悟」不是魔術，只需要勇氣和意志來一步一步的向前走。

I still read my old articles, to continually check for typos and grammatical errors, and I have found some of them shallow already. So I might write more articles on the same topics in the future to reflect my new understandings and to provide more depth.

我現在看之前的舊文章、不時的檢查錯誤，發現一些文章膚淺了。往後，也許會用一樣的主題來寫更多文章，表達新的理解。

I don't know how far I will get, but I hope my articles can inspire other people to preserver in their quest for their own personal enlightenment.

我不知道自己會走多遠，但希望這些文章可以激發大家去追求個人的修行。

禪定 Jhāna/Zazen (Meditation)

Many Buddhist books and instructions talked about jhāna (zazen, meditation)[Note] as an essential element in Buddhist Practices. Jhāna is even part of the 6 paramitas. However, this topic has not received much attention on this blog. Main reason is that we felt understand yourself is more important. The other reason is that my own personal progress on this is not very far, and that this is something that will come naturally as one's Buddhist wisdom improves.

許多佛教書籍都有談到「禪定」，對他們而言，「禪定」是一個修行的基本要素，也是六度波羅蜜其中之一。但是在這個部落格，我們還沒有對「禪定」有任何的觀點說法。 主要的原因是我們覺得「了解自己」比較重要；另外一個原因是我自己對「禪定」不是很有經驗，再加上我認為一旦您有「慧」，對於「禪定」的瞭解就比較簡單。

However, I can share some of my experiences with you in case anyone cares.

不過，在這裡可以分享我的經驗。

The first time I was able to have any sort of accomplishment in meditation was very accidental. It was actually my first time attempting it as well.

我第一次嘗試「禪定」就有些小成果，實際上，那是很偶然的。

I was on a short business trip to the U.S.. While at U.S., I had some terrible joint pains, probably due to physical and mental exhaustion, and changes in the environment. On the trip to the U.S., I read some Buddhist books and read about anattā and jhāna. So one afternoon, while I was still suffering from jet lag and in pain, I thought I gave it a shot. To see if I can reduce my pain somehow.

那時，我出差回美國。在美國的時候，我的關節炎又發作、非常疼痛，有可能是身心疲憊和環境變化所造成的。在回美國的飛機上，讀了些有關於「無我」和「禪定」的書。 某天下午，在還有時差和疼痛感的時候，決定試試「禪定」，看能不能減少疼痛感。

So I lay down and proceeded to think about anattā and Śūnyatā and Nidānas. I was actually having an internal debate with myself. I guess I was so focused on the debate, I deceived my body. It proceeded to fell asleep without me. In hindsight, I knew it fell asleep because I could hear its breathing changed from normal to slow, to even slower. I, of course had no idea what I was experiencing, but felt that it was rather interesting. I tried to observe the situation, and was trying to figure out how to do experiments, but I found that it was difficult to maintain such a state. I soon "woke up."

所以我躺下來，開始思考跟自我辯論「無我」、「空」和「因緣」。在那麼專注的思考中，我覺得身體睡著了。 現在回想起來，我知道身體睡著了，因為可以聽到它的呼吸從正常改為慢，然後更慢。
那當下，我還是很清醒的，但不是很了解自己的狀況，覺得這相當有趣！我試圖觀察情況，並想做實驗去推測自己究竟在哪裡？卻發現這樣的狀態是難以維持的，所以很快就「醒」了。

Noticed that I didn't do anything that any traditional books said about practicing jhāna. I was not in a sitting upright lotus position. I did not do any of the recommended methods, such as counting breath, as a way to focus the mind. I did not try to let my mind be empty. I was just relaxed and focus on a problem that I was trying to understand.

我並沒有做傳統佛書上任何「禪定」的修法，沒有「正確」的坐，也沒有數息唸佛，更沒有嘗試讓頭腦放空。我只放鬆和專注於一個問題。

After that day, I have continued practicing meditation, sometimes with success, but never to the depth that I have achieved that first time. Initially, there would be times that I simply could not relax or focus. I didn't know why, but I would feel anxious as soon as I closed my eyes, so I simply didn't try meditation when this happened. Other times, my concentration simply would not last. However, most of times, when I was able to enter into a focused condition, I usually ended up "sleeping." I put "sleeping" in quotes because while I don't have any conscious in this state, I would often wake abruptly, and the experience of waking from this state is different than waking from normal sleep. So I think that this "sleep" is not the same as normal sleeping, but of course I can't be sure.

那天之後，我繼續練習「禪定」，有時成功，不過從來沒有像第一次那樣。有時，我根本不能放鬆或入「定」，因為只要閉上眼睛，我就會覺得煩，卻也不知道為什麼而煩。 其他時候，我的「定」力無法持續，然而大多數的時候，當我能夠入「定」，就會「睡」著。
用「睡」這個字，是因為在那當下，我沒有任何意識， 可是會突然「醒」來， 跟平常睡醒的感覺不一樣。 所以認為，這種「睡」跟是普通的睡眠不一樣，但當然不能十分肯定。

As I have more practices, I found that it gets easier to get into the focused and/or "sleeping." states. I found that I can do that while walking, sitting, watching TV or laying down. My favorite time right now for practicing jhāna is actually in the afternoon. Laying down on the sofa and going into the "sleeping" state for just 10 minutes does wonders to my energy level for the rest of the day, simply because when I wake up from the "nap", I felt so refreshed. It is good to practice meditation at night before going to bed as well. However, once I am awake from the meditation, it becomes hard to fall asleep because I felt rested already. My wife hates it when I turn back and forth on the bed all night.

有了多次練習後，我發現現在很容易進入「定」或「睡」的狀態，能在行走、坐、 臥或看電視時入「定」。 我最喜歡在下午入「定」，躺在沙發上，10分鐘進出「睡」的狀態，能給我非常好的精神。 晚上睡覺前入「定」也不錯，只是出「定」之後，會很難繼續睡覺，因為太有精神了。 我太太很討厭我整晚在床上翻來翻去。

As far as the different stages of jhāna is concern, I am not sure I really care about them. Why? Because my goal is to find the Truth, not to be a master practitioner of meditation. I am fully content that meditation allows me to have a quality rest.

我不會很在乎書上所寫「禪定」可以達到的境界。 為什麼呢？因為我的目標是尋找真相，不是成為一個「禪定」大師。「禪定」讓我有很好的睡眠品質， 這樣就很滿意了。


[Note] There seems to be many different names that English speakers use to refer to 禪定. Different schools probably translate this differently, depending on their country of origin. I'll use jhāna, zazen and meditation interchangeably here.

負面情緒 Negative Emotions

Negative emotions are an addiction.

負面情緒是一種癮。

Right now, I don't fight much with my wife anymore. We might occasionally have a few less than pleasant conversations, but we can usually resolve these very quickly.

現在，我不常跟我太太吵架。我們偶爾有一些比較不愉快的交談，但通常可以非常迅速的解決這些問題。

While having the feeling of sorrow or anger during these events are normal, what I find surprising is the certain comfort in me that relishes these sorrow or anger.

雖然我還是會有難過或憤怒的感覺，這應該是正常的；但讓我驚訝的是，在難過或憤怒之外，還有舒適感，好像享受在難過或憤怒的感覺中。

Then, why I realized that negative emotions are all addictive. Like all addictions, we all know they are bad for us, yet, we still yearn for it, because it will make a part of us temporarily happy.

從那時起，我意識到：負面情緒會讓一個人上癮。 像所有的癮一樣，我們都知道不好，但內心仍然渴望它，因為它會使我們某一部分有短暫的快樂。

Before, when I had no control over my emotions, I didn't feel this yearning for them, because I was numb to it. Its only now, when the negative emotions are few and far in between, that I can see them for what they are.

之前，我無法控制自己的情緒時，我不會渴望負面情緒發生；因為這些情緒常常出現，而我也有點麻痺了。 但現在，負面情緒不常出現，我才知道它們的本質。

It's only now, when I give that part of me a small taste of these negative emotions, that its yearning and desire for them becomes transparent and obvious.

如今，當我嗅到自己有一點點負面情緒的味道時，我對它們的渴望變得透明和顯著。

It wants more, but I don't see a reason to give them to it.

我想要有多一點，但知道並不需要。

我為什麼修行 Why do I Walk The Path

When I was working on Master Ban Ji's article on Practice. I cannot help but think about my reason for walking the path.

當我在翻譯半寄師父寫的有關修行的文章，
不禁想到自己為何要修行的理由。

Actually, I am not sure how I got on the path, but I do know why I am still on it.

其實，我並沒有很清楚為什麼會開始？
但我知道自己為什麼到現在還在修。

Before I started, my life was good. I might have some aches and pains, but as far as I was concern, it was just part of getting old. My relationship with my wife was good; we might have fights now and then, but again, I thought that's just part of life as well. We both have steady incomes, and since my wife and I are not big on material possessions, I was doing fine economically too.

在修行之前，我的生活過得不錯。身體有一些疼痛，
但每個人年紀大了多少會有病痛。
我與我的太太的關係也蠻好的， 我們雖然會吵架，
不過，我認為那是生活的一部分。
我們各自有穩定的收入，而且不需要很多東西， 
所以經濟狀況也還好。

In other words, I was content because I accepted my situation, the goods and the bads, and that's when I met Master Ban Ji.

換句話說，我很滿足於現狀也十分認命，
我接受這一切，包含好的和壞的。
在這樣的狀況下，開啟了我第一次跟半寄師父見面的緣。

I don't remember much of the initial conversation. I just remember that I found her to be wise and sensible, and her talk of Buddhism is devoid of traditional trite that one can hear any where.

我不記得我們說了什麼，只記得，師父有智慧也很理智，
她談的佛教不是傳統、一般都聽得到的那種。

I remember that my head felt like it was about to burst, crammed with so much information.

我記得我的頭腦腫得快要爆炸一樣，塞滿了許多的知識。

I remember she told me to raise my emotional self.

我記得她告訴我，要提升自己的情感。

I remember trying to figure out how to do that, probably out of curiosity more than anything else, what would happen once I do so, and how do I even go about doing it.

我那時想要試試看，可能是因為我很好奇：
自己的情感提升了會如何，
也好奇一個人要如何去提升情感。

I remember going no where, and one day, when I asked myself a question, I got a physical reaction.
It was a slight flutter of the heart, at least that's what it seems. It was odd because I only had the reaction when I asked myself the question, if I just thought it, there was no reaction at all.

過了很久都沒甚麼效果，直到某天，
當我問自己一個問題時，身體心悸的反應，
讓我開始發現不一樣了。
奇怪的是，只有當我問自己問題時才會心悸，如果只是想著問題，並沒有任何反應。

That's how it all start, from that minute physical reaction. I performed many experiments on myself to validate the reaction, and it does seem that I can challenge my subconscious so that it produces a physical reaction in my body. So that means that what Master Ban Ji said wasn't totally without merit.

從這個小小的反應開始，我對自己做了許多實驗。
我似乎能挑戰自己的潛意識來讓身體有所反應。
這表示半寄師父說的，不無道理。

Today, I remain on the path, not because of the promise of Good Karma. Not because I can become another Buddha. Not because I can escape the cycle of life and death. I remain because I am curious. I want to see more what Truth looks like.

今天，我還在修行，不是為了福報，也不是想要成為另一個佛，更不是想要擺脫生死輪迴。
我修行，因為我很好奇，我要知道真相究竟是什麼樣子。

I am also afraid of forgetting what I know. I now understand why Vīrya (which means energy, diligence, vigor, effort). is one of the 6 Pāramitā. Right now, slow progress or no progress feels like regress.

現在，我也怕忘記自己所知道的一切；
瞭解為什麼在六波羅蜜多中，精進是其中之一。
緩慢的進步很像退步。

It is a race, and time is short.

這是一場比賽，然而，並沒有很多時間。

快樂的原因 Reason for Happiness

Master Ban Ji wants me to write an article on why I am happy. She does know how to assign home works.


半寄師父要我寫自己快樂的原因，她很喜歡給我功課去做。


This is hard to say. I can say that it is because I understand the Truth better. But that seems cliche and seems to avoid the point. I can say that I am a better person; but that seems patronizing to you, the readers. My emotions are quicker to dissipate, and that is a good thing; especially when the emotion is the result of arguing with my wife. But that's not the reason either.


這很難說。如果我說，自己快樂是因為我明白真相，那很陳腔濫調；
若是說，我感到自己比過去更好，所以快樂，會覺得是在應付您。
我的情緒消散很快，現在大都避免跟我太太吵架、僵持太久，這是件好事，
但這些並不是我快樂的真正原因。


I think the real reason that I am happy is that I know that I am powerful. I don't need to any of the "dark sides" in life because I don't need them. Because I am in control of my life.


我認為真正的原因是：知道自己有能力，
我不需要「黑暗面」，因為我能控制自己的生命。


For example, if you know the world is your ATM, and you can take money out whenever you need to, and the money will never run out. Would you still be greedy?
例如，如果您知道世界是您的自動提款機，當需要的時候，
可以隨時拿錢出來，錢也永遠不會用完。您還需要貪嗎？


Do you still need to have anger if you are able to avoid events that will cause you angry?


如果您能夠避免會導致您生氣的事，您還需要憤怒嗎？


Are you still ignorant if you know the Truth?


如果您知道真相，您還有愚痴嗎？


If you can eliminate the three akusala-mūla (poisons) of Greed, Anger and Ignorance, you would be happy too.


如果您能夠消除三毒 (貪嗔痴），您也會很快樂。


But ultimately, I think I am happy because I have no fear.


所以，我的結論是：我很快樂是因為我沒有恐懼。

第二次改變 Second Change

The second change was a lot more visible to detect than the first.

第二次改變比第一次更容易窺探。

One day, we were driving somewhere, and during our conversation, my wife said to me, with a very subtle undertone of anger, "You are a pig head."

某天，我在開車時，我跟太太有些小爭執。我太太對我說，「你是個豬頭。」 當時這句話包含了一個非常微妙的憤怒。

Now, as all husbands know, this is a delicate moment.

應該全天下的先生們都知道，這是一個危機。

If I respond with any slight hint of annoyance or anger, a new fight might erupt.

如果我的回應有任何煩惱或憤怒的暗示，我們可能就會馬上吵架。

If I respond with silence, we might avoid a confrontation at the moment, but it might still be inevitable later on.

如果我以沉默回應，我們或許避開在那當下吵架，但這個問題之後也可能再發生。

If I respond with calmness, she may or may not be able to accept it given her current state of mind.

如果我很冷靜的應對，我太太她不一定能夠接受。 因為她那時的心理狀態不一定是很理性的。

So, in a blink of an eye, without given it any thought or miss any beat, I bleated out:

所以，在轉瞬間，我想都不想就回她說：

"Oink. Oink." (這是豬叫的聲音。)

Totally not expecting this sort of response, my wife burst into laughter. Me too.

完全沒想到我會有這樣的反應，我的太太放聲大笑，而我也是。

And we were able to discuss and resolve the issue at hand in a fun and funny manner.

笑完之後，我們兩個開心的討論著這個問題。

The reason that I am providing these personal experience here is not to teach you specific behaviors or methods that you can do when you have an argument with your wife. These reactions came out of me naturally, and I believe is the result of many months of the efforts spent on self-reflection. These reactions worked for us, but may not necessary work for you. (Heck, Your wife may think you are making fun of her when you make sounds of a pig. If that happens, don't blame me. You made the noise, I didn't.)

在這裡跟大家分享這些經驗，不是要教各位用具體的方法去應付夫妻的爭吵。 這些反應都是自然出現，不是用大腦想出來的。 是許多個月自我反省的結果。 對我跟我太太有用，不一定對您們有用。 (哎，您的太太也許會認為您的豬叫是在嘲笑她。 如果出現這種情況，不要怪我，是您叫的，不是我.)

If you work on self-reflection, you will eventually have your own changes and reactions that is unique to you and your situation. At that point, you will have succeeded and will be ready for the second step.

如果您努力的在自我反省，有一天，您會發現自己有所變化、不同以往的反應。 這些變化和反應，是根據您當時所處的情況自然產生的。 如果您可以做到這個程度，您對於第二步已經做好準備了。

上一篇 Previous Part                                               Next Part 下一篇

第一個改變 First Change

The first time that I changed my behavior due to the Method was subtle. I didn't even know I was doing it or what. It just came natural.

我第一次改變自己的習性，是一個很自然、很微妙的經驗。 這個改變我很久之後才知道。

As most married people know, husband and wife occasionally fight over the most trivial things. Things that any rational observer would say, "Are you guys idiots? Why are you fighting over such a thing?"

結婚過的人都知道，夫妻都會為瑣碎的事情吵架。 任何理性觀察者都會罵說 ：「你們是白痴嗎？為什麼要為這種事吵得那麼厲害？」

Few months after I initiated the method, during one of our fights, I suddenly had a thought: "Why am I doing this? Do I enjoy fighting with her?" But I was fighting and perished this ling of questioning. Afterward, I of course reflected on the fight and anger.

修行開始後，過了幾個月，有次我跟我的太太吵架。 在吵架當中，突然心中有了一個念頭：「我為什麼要這樣做呢？我喜歡嗎？」 但那時我很生氣，就消滅了這個念頭。 結束之後，我開始反省這個吵架和憤怒。

The next time, during the fight, another set of thoughts came to me: "It seems like we are following a formula in our fight. I know if I do A, she will do B, then I can do C, so she will do D...etc. It seems like I will only be satisfied if I see all of her expected reactions, namely, B, D...etc." This thought strike me as odd. Because this means that I continue the fight because I need to see her reactions. If I don't see her expected reactions, I would not be satisfied, and I would continue fighting. Then the reason I fight with her is to satisfy my "habits." Because, I do not get any satisfaction from fighting, because I feel sad at the end as well.

下一次，在吵架當中，又有了另一個念頭：「我們好像是照方程式在吵架，如果我做A，她會做B；那麼我可以做C，因此她將做D...等，似乎我需要這樣做才會滿意。 也就是說我需要看到心中所預期的反應，即B，D...等，按照這樣的模式，吵架才會結束，但問題並沒有解決，之後我們還是會為了類似的問題在吵 架。」 對我來說這很奇怪，我們是為了各自的習性在吵架；而不是為了我自己，畢竟吵完之後我也不會很開心。

We fought few more times, and this idea came out during those times. But I was actually afraid, afraid of change. So I did nothing, and let the fight came to the predictable end that I knew it would. Afterward, I would reflect on my fear.

我們又吵了幾次，這個想法也一直出現在吵架當中。 但是我害怕改變，所以，我什麼也沒做，只是讓這個架吵到已經預知結果，然後就結束。 每次我都會反省自己的恐懼。

Finally, one day, during the fight, I did A, and she did B. Instead of doing C, I told her this idea. I told her that I could do C, and then you would do D and so on. I told her that it would not go anywhere and I don't want to continue because it was no fun at all. I do not need to feed my "habit". That time, the fight ended differently.

終於有一天，在吵架當中，我做了A，我太太也做了B，但是我沒做C，我告訴她這個想法。 我告訴她，我可以做C，然後妳會做D..等，這樣下去不是辦法。 我不想繼續吵下去，因為跟妳吵架一點都沒有樂趣。 我不想讓自己這個習性一直存在。 那次吵架有了不同的結果。

I know, I know. You have all read this before in some self-improvement book somewhere. Actually, so did I, probably many many years ago. But in all these time of fighting, this knowledge did not helped in any way, because it is hard to think of this sort of thing during a fight. This is what we mean by knowledge and empirical understanding. From the book, I gain the knowledge that this is the reason we fight. From self-reflection, I empirically understand that the knowledge is correct. It is hard to apply a knowledge when one is emotional. Only the knowledge that is empirically understood can help in emotional times.

我知道、我知道。 你們都看過類似這種建議跟想法， 很多年前我也看過那類的書。 但這麼久的時間以來，在多次的吵架中，這知識對我沒有任何幫助。 在吵架當中，一個人很難去想這種事。 這就是知識和體會的差別。 從書中，我得到該如何解決吵架的知識。 從自我反思，我體會了這個知識。 在情緒高潮的時候，大腦的知識是很難被運用到的。 在那時候，只有心領神會（體會）的知識能幫您。

From that day forward, our fight all ended unpredictably. I think we both are trying not to fight at all.

從那天起，我們吵架的結果變得難以預測，我們盡量不吵架了。

We still fight, but fewer and shorter. And sometime, our fight even ended up with laughter, instead of tears.

當然還是會吵架，但吵架的時間變短、次數變少了。 甚至有時，我們的吵架是用笑聲結束的，而不是眼淚。

上一篇 Previous Part                                               Next Part 下一篇

笨的感覺 Feeling of Stupidity

I now know what stupidity feels like.

我現在知道什麼是「笨的感覺」了。


The feeling of stupidity is not the feeling you get when you get when you forgot to bring lunch to work.  It is not the feeling you get when you made some mistake.

這裡所說「笨的感覺」，不是您忘記帶午餐上班的笨，也不是您犯了生活上的某些錯誤，所覺得的笨 。


No, I am talking about the feeling of stupidity when at one moment, you seems to know everything, and at the next, you know you have lost most of it, and you remember what you were like; smart. This feeling of stupidity is laced with great discomfort.

我說的「笨」，是您記得您有多聰明的「笨」。在某一個時刻，您似乎知道一 切，可是在下一個時刻
您卻忘記了大部分，但還記得您在那一刻以前是很聰明的。這種「笨的感覺」 是很不安的。


This is probably not unlike the feeling of a wealthy person losing everything he has overnight.

一個有錢人一夜之間失去所有的財產，或許也有類似的感覺。


For the past few weeks, I have been working and thinking night and day for the blog. Because we are just starting out, I want to make sure we have enough content for people to digest and I have a lot I want to say. Plus, I have to translate my writings to Chinese, and there are a lot of Buddhism words and phrases whose standard English translation that I am not familiar with, so I also had to do a lot of research.

在過去的幾個星期，為了這個部落格，我天天夜夜的在想佛學。
因為剛開始，我要確保我們有足夠的內容，加上有很多想說的話。
除此之外，我需要翻譯，所以也需要花很多時間去研究、
去了解如何用英文去詮釋佛學的單詞和句子。


During those time, I felt smart, because I felt that I have all the knowledge in the world.

那時候，我覺得自己很聰明，感覺世界上所有的知識都在我腦海裡。


Then, last night, I was able to rest a bit, because there are about an extra week of content for the blog ready, and our current topic has come to a natural resting place. It is time for our reader to think about what we wrote. It's time for digestion.

然後，昨天晚上，我終於能夠休息一下，
因為大約有一個星期的文章內容都準備好，我覺得能好好睡一覺了。
而且目前的話題已經到了一個自然需要休息的地方，讀者可能需要一些時間去思考、去消化。


So I had a great night of sleep, the best kind, uninterrupted for 8 hours.

所以，昨晚我的睡眠品質非常好，就是處於全然無知的狀態、八小時不間斷的睡眠。


And when I woke up in the morning, I felt that there is a gaping hole in my brain.  I still knew the topics, but I don't think I knew them as precise as before. The concepts that I used to knew with great precision have all seem to loss their clarity. I don't think I will be able to explain the concept to another as clearly as I felt that I should.

醒來之後，覺得我的大腦似乎有個大洞。我應該還知道那些佛學的知識，但並沒有很清楚、變得不精準了。這些概念好像都失去他們的清晰度。我無法解釋這些概念像以前那樣清楚明白。


"I got stupid." 

「我變笨了。」


Oh believe me, I know stupid. I have stood in awe of the brilliance of many people, blinded by them even, and felt stupidity before. But this feeling of stupidity is worse than any other, this is the feeling of stupidity that made you question if you are still the same person.  This is Stupid with capital 'S'.

呵呵！相信我！我了解「笨」。我被許多聰明人的光輝照過，甚至被他們所蒙蔽而覺得自己笨。但這裡所說笨的感覺是超越其他任何感覺，這種笨的感覺讓您懷疑您是不是同一個人。


Master Ban Ji said that this is good.  Our method is to help us understand ourselves better. There is no magic and no mystery to the process of understanding oneself. It is done by admit, accept and self-reflect. I admitted that I felt stupid. I accepted that I am stupid. And I self-reflected on my feeling of stupidity, what did it felt like and why did I feel this way about been stupid.  This is how one grows. We have many aspects, and stupidity is one of them. Doesn't hurt to get to know this aspect early.

半寄師父說，這樣很好。這裡所修的方法是幫助我們更好好的了解自己，沒有魔法、也不神秘。
了解自己的過程中，我們需要承認、接受和自我反思。我承認我笨，也接受我變笨，也進一步的去了解笨的感覺跟我對笨的感受。成長是這樣發展的。
人的自我，有許多方面，笨就是其中之一。早點了解自我的笨也是不錯的。


To reward my growth, she told me that I get to write about it so I can self-reflect even more. 

為了獎勵我的成長，半寄師父告訴我，需要寫這個經驗跟大家分享，所以我才能自我反省多一些。


So now, not only do I know I got stupid, the whole world now knows too.  That's just great!

所以放這篇文章在這裡，不只是我知道自己變笨，全世界也知道我變笨，真好！


My next article should be "How it feels to know the world knows you are stupid."

我的下一篇文章應該是「全世界都知道我變笨的感覺」。