南禪精舍成立3
有棲身之所後，已經辭去教職，在農禪寺聖嚴法師那裡當編輯的陳麗雀，來幫忙讀經典的工作。
慢慢的，
南禪精舍的居士對精舍採取按月供養迴向的助力，在無後顧之憂下，完成了一邊實修，一邊佛典研究的工作。
有些時候也曾想過要不要像其他道場做些什麼？
但在常常面對雞同鴨講的狀況下，對於人群沒有說話的對象，
只好寫書，再來只能開讀書會，
後來乾脆關閉精舍大門。
人群對我而言ㄧ直是父子騎驢的尷尬與不堪。
記得小時候只要走出我們住的三合院，一定會有人跟我說：你阿公很吝嗇！
我太小也聽不懂，後來才明白所謂很吝嗇是對他們沒有做出捐款的意思。
再來是我出家以後，信徒老是莫名其妙跟我說什麼我沒有修行之類的話，為什麼？
因為我看起來不是修苦行的。
聽到這種話，其實都想打人！
讀經讀個半死，哪裡不是修苦行的。
幾乎從修行開始，「際遇」兩個字促使對我的耳語不曾停歇，
如果去塑造我是一個非常有修行的行者，那太虛偽辦不到。
我寧願去說，只是一個平凡人而已！
難杜的悠悠眾口 也就任由它去漫延了，
該是我扛的，不會吭聲的。
「半寄」兩個字完全說明我的意思，不論是佛教道場的半寄，或是人間的半寄。
（有一次去一個師姐家買東西，她先生用「台語」說：半寄來了，半寄要找妳，超好笑的。）
不如歸去，需要誰理解呢？
我在修行的第10年以後，佛法的內容幾乎就已經對我提供了足夠的養分，人群對我的重要性日漸減低。
ㄧ間小道場從無到有，幫助著佛法的呈現，也幫忙ㄧ大群人的成長，點滴在隨筆間記錄。
半寄
(讀者不必好奇問我跟我俗家的往來，因為大家族衍生財產問題多，我不曾回頭，只跟有學佛者來往）
(再來，我這一生出門在外從來沒有報過家族認識的名人，
這一點到現在都引以為傲，一切靠自己的努力走過來。）
The Founding of NanZen Vihara 3
Since I couldn’t settle down due to various
circumstances, I had no choice but to find a place of my own. I mentioned part
of this in the article ‘Peeling Off 4’.
After securing a place to stay, Li-Que Chen, who had
quit her teaching job and had been working as an editor under Master Sheng Yen
at Nongchan Monastery, returned to assist with the study of Buddhist
scriptures.
Gradually, the lay practitioners of NanZen Vihara
started making monthly offerings to support the vihara. This allowed us to
focus on both intensive practice and Buddhist scripture research without
worries.
At times, I wondered if I should follow other
monasteries and organize activities. But often, conversations felt like talking
past each other, and I had no real audience among the crowds.
So, I resorted to writing books. Later, I organized study clubs. Eventually, I
just shut the vihara’s doors.
For me, dealing with people has always been like the
"father and son riding a donkey" dilemma—whatever you do, someone
will have a problem with it.
I remember as a child, whenever I stepped outside
our family’s sanheyuan (traditional courtyard house), someone would
always say to me, "Your grandfather is so stingy!"
At the time, I was too young to understand. Later, I realized that “stingy”
meant he hadn’t donated money to them. But my grandfather worked from sunrise
to sunset, living an honest and disciplined life. I never understood what he
had done wrong.
Later, after I became a Buddhist nun, followers of
other monasteries would inexplicably tell me that I "wasn’t truly
cultivating." Why?
Because I didn’t appear to be practicing
asceticism.
Hearing such remarks, I often felt like punching someone!
Spending endless hours studying scriptures—how was that not a form of ascetic
practice?
From the moment I began this path, the whispers
about my "circumstances" have never stopped.
If I were to portray myself as a highly cultivated
practitioner, that would be too hypocritical—I simply can't do it.
I would rather just say that I’m an ordinary person.
As for the endless gossip, let it spread as it
will.
If it’s mine to bear, I’ll carry it without
complaint.
The term "Banji (half-dweller)" perfectly captures
my reality—whether it’s being half-rooted in Buddhist temples or half-rooted in
the secular world.
(Once, I went to buy something from a fellow
practitioner’s home, and her husband jokingly said in Taiwanese, “The Banji (half-dweller)
is here! The Banji (half-dweller) is looking for you!” It was hilarious.)
Why not just leave? Does it even matter if I bother
to explain anything and anyone understands?
By my tenth year of practice, the Dharma had already
provided me with all the nourishment I needed, and human interactions became
increasingly insignificant.
From nothing to something, this small hermitage took
shape, supporting the spread of Buddhism and aiding the growth of many
individuals.
Every step of this journey has been recorded in my
scattered notes.
Master
Banji
(Readers don’t need to be curious about my
relationship with my secular family. Big families have many financial issues. I
have never looked back and only stay in touch with those who practice Buddhism.
)
(Furthermore, throughout my life, I have never used
the names of famous people from my family when I was out in the society. This
is something I am still proud of today. I have relied entirely on my own
efforts to get where I am.)
沒有留言:
張貼留言