記憶中的自己Memories of myself

記憶中的自己Memories of myself

 

在修學的過程中，最困難的一個環節，應該是揮之不去的往事，盤踞腦海。

The most difficult part in my Practice would be getting rid of those memories of past events forcibly occupied in my mind.

 

中觀論的論述中有一個時間的慨念，論述說明時間在過去，現在，未來流動，不可駐留。

Mūlamadhyamakakārikā(Knowledge of the Middle Way) discusses the concept of time.It proposes that the time run in between the past, present and future and doesn’t reside at any point.

 

時間點的流逝，不會引起異論，但普羅大眾一定會想，時間跟修學有什麼關係?! 從記憶的方向來探討一下。

The passage of time won’t arouse debates, however the general public may wonder what’s the relationship between the time and Buddhism Practice? Let’s explore the question from the direction of memory. 

 

以往的記憶算不算是時間的影子?如果算，那這個影子大到足以嚇人的地步! 層層疊疊的影子，塵封的塵封，留戀的留戀.........一層層的影子，日日夜夜伴著自己，不管自己願不願意?它始終沉沉默默的相隨，人們面對這個影子，總是想盡辦法，想挽留自己留戀的，更想盡辦法，推開不愉快的，但影子始終沉默，沒打算離開，也沒打算滿足自己。

Can the past memory be considered as shadow of the time? If the answer is positive, then this shadow would be enormous enough to be frightening and scaring .Layers of shadows, some memories have been sealed in and some have been recalled with nostalgia. Whether we are willing to think about it or not, these layers and layers of shadows accompany us day and night. The shadow always follow silently all along, when facing it, people always strive to keep what they yearn and think of ways to push away unpleasant ones. However, the shadow always stays silent and has no intention to leave or to satisfy themselves.

 

多少人就這樣，在影子裡面過了一生 !

How many people live with such shadows all their lives!

 

這樣的生命，看在龍樹菩薩的眼裡，就是時間點的停滯造成，在現實生活裡我們的肉體追隨時間，一點一滴的成長，也一點一滴的衰竭，人們無權掌握，也無力改變。但這個現實的狀態，轉換到精神層面時，可是大大的不一樣，人們在看不見的地方，肆無忌憚的堆砌一切可能囤積的過往，有些人連蛛絲馬跡都不願放過，沒有人覺得有什麼不對! 更多的人是依靠囤積過往而活著。可是已經活過的肉體歲月無法挽回，為什麼精神體的過往歲月卻被自己緊緊圈住，硬是不讓它隨著時間的過去而過去。

In Nāgārjuna’s opinion, this kind of life is resulted from the stagnation of the time. In reality, our bodies grow and collapse bit by bit with time. Human beings can’t control or change it. However, if the fact transforms to spiritual level, the result can be viewed differently. When being in the invisible state, people unscrupulously pile up all possibly accumulated bygones. Some people are even unwilling to miss any tiny clues. Yet, no one notices there is anything wrong with this. There are more people living their lives by stocking up the past. Why do we still stick to the spiritual past and confine ourselves firmly when the physical past is irretrievable? Why don’t we let bygones be bygones?!

 

十年，二十年過去了，現實的時間消失在自己的眼前，但精神體的影子沒有過去! 於是, 影子挾帶著巨大的反撲能量，像老鷹捉小雞般挾持著肉體，不讓肉體感受現實的存在，哪怕時代的巨輪滾滾而去! 自己無論是肉體或精神都早已塵封，連跨越出自己的回憶都是困難的，時間存在的問題，已經不重要。

Ten years, twenty years passed by. The virtual time disappeared from our sight, but our spiritual shadows didn’t! Consequently, the shadow carried enormous fight back energy, just like eagles grasping the bodies of chicks and kept our bodies from realizing the reality existence, regardless the fact that the wheel of time is kept rolling on. We had long sealed ourselves both physically and mentally. The issue of the existence of the time is not very important when it’s difficult to surpass our own memory.

 

我總是說著，我害怕以前，害怕人們對我說我以前說過什麼話題! 害怕我不想再學習的觀點老是圍繞我的身旁，人們總不能了解時間對我的意義，我在修學過程裡，拼了命去追上時間，自從我決定修學中觀論的思想後，想追上【現在】的時間，才發覺我活在回憶裡，影子無時無刻在提醒我，它的存在，生命中第一次懂得害怕自己，我的肉體三十歲時，影子才十來歲，沒跟著長大，我五十歲時，影子倒變成七十歲，想捏著我不放，你說: 自己的影子恐不恐怖。

I always say that I am afraid of the past, afraid of people telling me that I have mentioned certain topics before and I am afraid viewpoints which I refuse to follow kept following me. People can’t realize what the time means to me. I strive to keep up with the time during my Practice. Since I decided to learn the method of Knowledge of the Middle Way, I have tried to catch up with "the present time", but realized that I lived in the past memory. The shadow constantly reminded me of its existence. It was the first time in my life that I was afraid of myself. When my physical age was thirty years old, the shadow, my mental age, was only ten years old or so. It didn’t grow with my physical age. But when I was fifty, my shadow became seventy years old and tried to grasp me tightly. In this case, do you think your own shadow is horrible or not?

 

一個沒跟上時間的人，會一直處於一種狀態，過去的時光已過去，沒跟上來等於把自己葬送在從前，現在的時間又在不停的走去，沒跟著走等於沒有未來，中觀論絕對不是辯論的內容而已，那是一本時代處於越文明，越會散發光芒的修學論點。

A person who doesn’t keep up with time will constantly stay in a state. Past is the past, not keeping up means burying yourself in the past. Not keeping up with the present time means having no future because the present time doesn’t stop. Knowledge of the Middle Way shouldn’ t be viewed as merely contents of debates. It’s a book that being in the more civilized era, the more radiance its Practice concepts appears.

 

往事去回憶它，把塵封的自己拉扯出來，給自己一條完全的路，仗佛法的智慧。

半寄

Recall your past, pull yourself out if being sealed in and give yourself a complete path. All of these rely on the wisdom of Buddhism.

                                                                

   Master Ban Ji
                                                                                                         Translated by Grace Tsai
                                                                                                          Proofread by Sophiea Kuo